1. Carolina Panthers: Michael Jordan

The Panthers have been looking for a winner and they finally find one in home grown Jordan. Jordan has proven that he can make the clutch plays in crunch time and can carry a team to victory. Jordan will bring leadership and his winner’s mentality to young and floundering franchise.

2. Denver Broncos: Secretariat

The best combination of size and speed, Secretariat is the biggest and fastest player in the draft. Secretariat would bring a new dynamic to the Broncos and could carry them on his back to the finish line.

3. Buffalo Bills: Cam Newton

There is nothing in Buffalo to celebrate or be excited for. The Bills need someone to come and revitalize the city. That person is Cam Newton. Cam will bring energy to a city that has been hit hard in the recent recession and chances are his father is already talking to Buffalo about payment for Cam’s services.

4. Cincinnati Bengals: Catwoman

Fast and agile, Catwoman would be ideal to put opposite of Chad Ochocinco. Her ability to adapt to her surroundings should prove useful in taking advantage of holes in opposing defenses.

5. Arizona Cardinals: Albert Pujols

Pujols is the best Cardinal is recent memory and Ken Wisenhunt is praying his abilities translate to inside linebacker.

6. Cleveland Browns: LeBron James

Big, strong, and athletic. LeBron is the perfect fit for what Mike Holmgren is looking for in this draft. Also, Holmgren brings home Cleveland’s son and savior.

7. San Francisco 49ers: Greg Anderson

Looking for a competitive edge over the competition, the 49ers go with the most well-known athletic trainer in the area hoping he can bring the same nutritional and conditioning programs to the team that enhanced the performance of Barry Bonds within one off-season.

8. Tennessee Titans: Ke$ha and Miley Cyrus

Two native daughters of Nashville would bring life and a younger fan base to the franchise. Miley knows all about the achy breaky hearts in Tennessee from her father’s Titans that came one yard short of a Super Bowl victory. She’ll bring excitement back to the team with her halftime parties that she has thrown throughout the USA. Ke$ha has experience in taking no talent and turning it into success. The Titans have little talent so Ke$ha is the perfect solution to turning the team’s performance around.

9. Dallas Cowboys: Cordell Walker Texas Ranger

The Cowboys are soft. Cordell Walker is not. Walker will bring grit and determination to the House that Jerry built. This is the first unquestionable pick the Cowboys have made in years. Walker will play anywhere and will do what it takes to win.

10. Washington Redskins: Leroy Jethro  Gibbs

The Redskins look to their own backyard for the best field general available. Gibbs will bring a tough demeanor to the field. He’d be Mike Shanahan’s coach on the field. Gibbs’s football career at UCLA will prove useful as the Redskins look for Donovan McNabb’s replacement.